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Thursday, June 14, 2012

Tripping On My Brain

Um, I guess not. I fell yesterday. Twice. I've fallen with my MS before, but never twice in the same day, let alone the same week. It was bad enough to leave muscle pain and bruises on my arm and leg. Both time on my right side. I think it might be the return of my foot drop. I had that leg brace I was using last year, but after physical therapy, I didn't need it anymore.

The thing is, even though my family knows I've been on the verge of a flare up since March & my Neuro-Opthomologist knows too, Head Neuro doesn't. He hasn't spoken to me. He hasn't examined me. He only met me once before blowing my life apart. (Stupid, Research girl)

Anyway, to him, I'll be lying. When I fell delivering my newspapers in a full smack on my right side across my customers driveway/lawn, I don't think anyone saw me. I was on the phone with my bluetooth,, so my friend heard me. If anyone did see me, they probably couldn't stop laughing long enough to come and help me.

The second fall was in Kmart. I was shopping with my kids and one of their friends. I had put my cane in the cart because I was using the cart for balance. Of course they are so big that the carts can't fit between the racks of clothing, so I walked away a few feet. I was coming back and stopped to look at some shorts below on a shelf. As i stood up I turned left, always my downfall. No literally, this is usually my signature move. I never see it coming either.

So I stood up and turned to my left and behind me, like a half way spin around. I then shift to walk forward, except not all of me follows the shift. I start to walk forward to the cart. My right foot scraps the ground. My left foot tries to jump ahead for balance and as right foot comes forward again it catches on a big industrial size clothes rack. Seriously it was really tall with a picture of Selena Gomez at the top.

I feel my foot catch except my body still is going forward, as my arms fling in front of me I force my right leg out and as it comes forward my shoe is half on & off and goes flying. Where I don't know. AS I'm going down, my arms somehow grab the handle of the shopping cart and my left shoulder and right arm do all they can to avoid hitting the ground. They were successful.

My face is about a foot from the floor & I stay tense in that position. Arms supporting me. No shoe. Leg and arms screaming in pain. Wondering who is all watching. Wondering why this happened, AGAIN. I start to pull up to standing and my son, Paul runs by and says, "I'll get your shoe, Mama!" Always the gentleman. My daughter, Kristina, comes around the corner and said "What was THAT noise?" IO said "It was me." Kristina says, "No, Mom. That loud noise like things were falling and something making a banging noise." I said, "That was ME. I was falling and my shoe is over there somewhere. The cart is all that stopped me from hitting the floor all of the way." Paul "Here's your shoe, Mom." Kristina, "Mom! Are you all right?" Puts on my shoe for me. I said, "No. No I'm not."

I called neuro immediately and left a message with the nurse's voicemail about how I've been feeling and that I fell twice. I got a call the next day. It seemed like I would get some help, but that's only because no one had informed my nurse friend about me and my personal nightmare. She called back & said I can't get steroids before my LP (lumbar puncture). I told her I want to talk to him first, but he can't meet with me until July.

She then gets my tearful story and this is how I can best sum it up. No matter what tests they want to do on me. No matter what the outcome. I should be able to have someone I trust by my side. None of the new people have been with me for this journey. They swooped in and not only want to redo 2008, they want to isolate me and never even inquire about my current health.

I've cried alot today. To many people. My friend nurse listened and bent over backwards to help me. Finally, she has her Head Nurse call me. She listens to my whole story. I say I just don't know why Head neuro shouldn't have to talk to me about the whys of all of this or that he can't tell me why I can't have anyone, I'll take ANYONE that I trust in the practice be by my side. She found a way to squeeze me in tomorrow to talk to him. At least there is that.

This day started out well and even had a great outcome for me in a matter separate from my health. Then within minutes, it all fell apart again. I hate feeling so drained and alone and just a puddle of defeat. This is not me. I keep ending up here though. I'm tripping over my brain all the way to submissiveness. It is so disheartening to feel like you want to fight. That you SHOULD be allowed to fight. Only to be standing there vulnerable with your hands tied behind your back. Brain? You & me are in this together. I'm not giving up, but I need to rest for awhile. Brain tripping is rough on your psyche. ;)

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