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Thursday, November 11, 2010

Dreams Can Change ( A Poem)

Dreams Can Change ( A Poem)

As I child I had dreams of being a mother & a wife.
God blessed me with both, such a happy life!
After the birth of my son, the symptoms began.
My life as I knew it would not follow my plan.

It threw me off track & forced me to change.
Being a mom had new meaning that was different & strange.
My body was in charge now; my plans were shown the door.
My body could not do the things it had done before.

I had to change my approach & find a new way of life.
I could still be a good mom and a loving wife.
Strength would be my focus, being positive my goal.
I could not allow my body to change “me” as a whole.

At my lowest I’d cry as my pain turned to doubt.
To grieve the loss of a life planned out.
I’m human and felt the regret & the loss.
Of a body that became an obstacle to cross.

To stay in this frame of mind was just not me.
If I was to live up to the mom I knew I could be.
Children want love & attention, MS can’t take that away.
I needed to focus on my love and hope to brighten their days.

I would show them I’m brave while facing my fears;
Embrace my new life while smiling through my tears.
MS is an obstacle, a struggle; that’s true.
But my children wanted guidance to tell them what to do.

We could play board games, read stories or draw pictures to start.
I helped with homework, or cuddled & counted stars after dark.
On good days, I tried dancing to our favorite songs.
Looked as they screamed, “Watch me!” at the park in the sun.

These days I needed a nap, but I relished the moments of good.
For the bad ones always return and I don’t dwell on “I wish I could…”
“Budget your time”, “Live in the moment”, “Grasp life by the horns”.
All clich├ęs, but all too true when bad health leaves us torn.

I am still myself, my heart & spirit are true.
I may need to slow down, but I’ll never give up what I do.
My family is what I need to face each day with a smile.
MS will never change that. Giving up is not my style!

~Tammy Malkowski, 11-11-10

Darkness & Light (A Poem)

Darkness & Light (A Poem)

Today, I woke and wondered what I would find.
Would MS affect my body or just my mind?
Surprise implies something good or fun,
But MS truly doesn’t offer either one.

Although a surprise is not knowing what to expect.
I still approach my morning with a smile; not regret.
I could be sad or angry over what my health has brought.
I believe that God has given me a path and I cling to that thought.

I rise before the sun & I try to find my smile;
Even when each step I make feels like a mile.
MS brings me a challenge that I try very hard to meet.
I struggle when MS is at it’s worst and start to think I’m beat.

There are days I feel I can’t go on.
That MS is too much to bear;
I wonder how I will find my positive spirit
Or even the strength to even care.

Dwelling on the struggles & challenges MS can bring.
May be some peoples approach, but for me, it’s not my thing.
Each day brings my body a new surprise.
I never know what will come as the sun does rise.

In my mind, I decided, how life was supposed to go.
Health, conflict and relationships effect how we grow.
I may be unable to do many of the physical things,
But no one has a guarantee of what their life will bring.

There are many ways to deal with stress or obstacles thrown our way.
I choose to find the silver lining to help me face my day.
No one can tell me how to live, my life is my own, that’s true.
Having a positive attitude gives me control and focus over what to do.

So I may visit the dark places in my mind,
To cleanse my spirit and leave the negative behind.
But I cannot stay here, this place of remorse.
Dwelling on pain throws my heart off course.

I’ll take care of my heart, the good & the bad.
Happiness is just as important as being sad.
Face my anger, face my doubts,
Face my fears and scream and shout.

When I’m finished, I’ll return to the place
Where I count my blessings & put a smile on my face.
Here is where I’ll find my heart,
My happiness, my place to start.

Begin your day with your own surprise.
Find your smile as the sun begins to rise.
You’re in charge of how you feel.
Be bold, be loved, be strong & be real!
~Tammy Malkowski, 11-11-10

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Mind is Spinning

Sorry I have been out of touch. It's been a weird month for me. Some days great and others...not so great. I received my handicapped parking tag. It's "temporary" for 6 months. When I inquired the nurse informed me they rarely give out permanent tags. I responded, "Do you know something I don't know? Cuz if MS is temporary I think I should be informed." She didn't laugh. Oh, well. I see Dr. Beall on November 8th so I'll ask then. Maybe he'll laugh at my joke. I thought I was funny. But then again, I usually do think I am funny.

I was having even more trouble with my legs thru the month of September. Especially my right one. This pain would spread down from my hip to my calf. The best way I can describe this new pain to you is this: Remember when you were in school and you would raise your hand? After waiting your turn for a while, your hand would begin to hurt and the longer you kept it there the more support it needed and the pain grew. This is how my leg feels, except I can't put down my hand to alleviate the pain. Only sitting with my feet up helps. As soon as I stand it returns. This will definitely be brought up at my next appointment.

My tremor has lessened. It is back to returning only when I am really tired or have over used it. Dr. Beall will be happy to hear that news. Overall, my fatigue is not as strong. I have had some days when I could barely stay awake. Especially the last 2 days, but I feel okay today. I have had more leg "jumps" lately. All of a sudden my leg or foot will just jerk one way or another. This only happens when I am sitting or resting, but it's a weird feeling.

We are in the process of getting our townhouse ready to put up for sale. Having a son & a daughter share a room will be acceptable for so long. Eventually privacy will become a real factor. Since they are both under 10 the hurry isn't great, so I figured it's the perfect time to get the ball rolling when there is no immediate need. We will be staying within the same townhouse community, just moving to a 3 bedroom instead of 2 bedroom. We love it here! Frankly, I wish we had the extra bedroom because I love the unit we already own, but wishes like these don't come true. Facts are facts and we need to do it. Getting the house ready is a task in itself. I need energy to accomplish this. Plus to inform my family that keeping our home clean is about to become a bigger priority. I'm not sure they are truly prepared for that.

I am still trying to be upbeat and keep smiling. One indication of my health lately would be my lack of Facebook time. I realize not everyone has joined this group or finds it a daily part of life, but I have. It has allowed me to meet many new friends and to find support for MS from people who understand. If I'm not checking in during the week, then people know I must not be feeling myself. I actually missed hosting my shot parties for 2 weeks! This is a huge deal for me since I am there every other night with a rhyme about giving our shots with an invite to do ours together. I did host one last week, but I've missed 2 more this week. Hope I will be hosting on Thursday night.

I actually missed my shot altogether last night. That's a first for me. I couldn't get up the stairs and the kids were asleep. I leave my supplies next to my nightstand and I just forgot earlier. I will resume my normal schedule tomorrow. I will check to see if there is anything else I need to do, but I don't think so. The way this past few weeks have gone. Good, bad, up, down, I feel like a child's toy top. My mind is spinning from all the changes. I'm done with this ride. Time to get off and try a new approach. Come on, Body and follow my lead!