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Friday, May 11, 2012

Sleep Walking

My brain is on overload with all of the things I have had to do for myself, my family, my kids and their school and for the fundraiser for the NMSS. I am so tired, so tired, that I believe I am sleepwalking through life right now. It's not good to be this tired. I want to slow down, but at this point so many people are depending on me and if I don't do what I need to do it will all fall apart.

I have people who have volunteered to help me, and I am grateful, but there are so many more places I need help and I don't want to put anyone else out. They have their own lives too. My husband said today that if I end up sick or worse it will be "your own fault". I said "Don't say that. It is NOT my own fault. I am asking for help & people are giving it, but there is so much more going on. I may have planned the things I took on, but the kids deadlines and school events were not cleared through me. I didn't plan for all of these things to converge within a 3 week period. People are helping, but I need so much more than anyone can give."

He took this as he isn't doing enough. This is so far from the truth because he is helping and he does do what he thinks he should. It isn't that anyone is NOT doing enough. It isn't anyone's "fault". Just like it isn't "my own fault". I'm not asking for sympathy, but don't blame me either. I am telling people, I'm overwhelmed. I'm telling people my MS is starting to flare. I can feel it. I can't stop it. I can try to sleep and try to slow down, but the responsibilities are still there.

I'm learning with this fundraiser what to do differently next time. I know what I need to leave til the end and what should be secured months in advance. I am learning that I need to firm up commitments sooner and ask more people to volunteer for the actual event. It is a great thing to help out a cause like the National MS Society because I feel like I need to give back and help others like myself. The only true problem is that MS doesn't take note of your responsibilities. MS doesn't care what time it is or who needs you right now. MS doesn't care that you can't sleep in or take a nap. MS takes over when it wants and how it wants. It doesn't care that you are sleepwalking through your days. It just takes over and too bad for you.

On that note, I need to go to sleep because as of right now, I'm giving in to MS for the night. Tonight's Score: MS 1 ME 0, but tomorrow is another day, Scarlett and I don't give up that easily.

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