Strong Minded

Started Steroid IV Infusions on Monday. My flare-up that started last week with the overwhelming numbness escalated over the weekend. The pain became so bad I was in tears much of Saturday & Sunday afternoon. The "inside" tremors were bad too. This is basically when you feel like your whole body is shaking or vibrating from the inside out, but can't be seen to the naked eye. It's really unnerving. Add that to the whole body feeling numb, and well, I was a mess.

After I finished my paper route on Sunday morning, I had a bad scare. During the route I was ok, not great, but functional enough to do my job. After each part of the morning I was more tired, but no other symptoms but the numbness. So I finished my sample papers and started home. Dave had mentioned he wanted to go get milk after I got home, but I thought I'd just pick it up. So I am driving down Gratiot before 13 Mile Rd and all of a sudden I feel like I'm not breathing. I think WTF, I'm not breathing, so I start taking very deep breaths. Then I start to feel like I could pass out. Keep in mind, I'm still driving. It was like that feeling you get when you stand up to fast and that snowy feeling comes over your eyes like when your tv cuts out. I start looking around to see where I can pull over. The closest thing is Kroger. I figure it's early Sunday morning still, not alot of traffic, so people should have time to move away from me if I crash. And I'm not going over 35 mph so the worse that can happen is I hit the median. So I think if I start to pass out, I'll just throw it in park & hope for the best.

So I make it to Kroger still feeling weak and light-headed. I think I need to go in the store. If I'm gonna collapse, I need to be around people. No one is gonna find me in my car. Now I don't take my cane with me on my route so I'm free walking. Not very steady. As I'm walking I think people must be staring, right? but I remember that "I look so good" so probably not. If anything people are annoyed that I am not moving fast enough for them. Of course the milk is at the back of the store. I realize it's not so important to get the milk, but I was stalling to see if I was gonna be all right so mine-as-well accomplish something. I am trying not to cry and get my bearings. I think maybe I have low blood sugar, but there is no candy in the aisle I'm in & I don't want to go to another aisle, so I just pay for my stuff and slowly make it to the car.

I remember I have graham crackers in my purse for Paul, so I eat them. They don't help, but I tried. I decide I need to go home. So I take the most direct route, 13 Mile to Harper. I get home and want to cry, but keep it together. I walk in the house & Dave says, "Hi, hon! how you feeling? ... ...What's wrong?" I immediately burst into tears. Paul says "What's wrong Mommy?" I can't answer. Kristina says, "Did somebody die?" I shake my head. I can't stop crying. I finally tell Dave what happened and how scared I was.

I remember I'm supposed to watch my nephew the next day, he's only 5 months. I don't think it's a good idea. So I text my mom & ask her to cover for me. Then text my sister about the change in plans. I make arrangements for my sub to cover my route the next day. And try and eat something. I start crying again because the pain, numbness, inside tremors and fatigue is becoming more extreme. Kristina notices & goes to find Dave. He says he wants to take me to the hospital. I tell them the ER can't help me. He wants to know why not. I explain they are there to keep me alive and I'm not dying. I just have a bad MS flare-up. I decide to call my neurologists after hours line and get their opinion.

My neuro is not on call, but the head of neuro is. he asks if I have a fever, I say no. he said that would be the only reason he would send me cuz of possible liver or kidney infection form the meds. He advises me he will start me on IV steroids in the morning.

I take a pain pill and go to sleep for 4 hrs. The next day, I go in to start the steroids. My neuro is on vacation so I see another one in the practice. He is very nice and very compassionate, Dr Kahnst, I think. He says he wants 5 days of steroids, but asks if I've done that before. I say I only have had 3 days in the past, but that Dr. Beall has mentioned bumping me up to 5 days if necessary. So he states we will do 3 days and add the other two if necessary. Today will be day 3 for me, so we will see. I don't know what exactly he will be looking for as far as improvement to add the other two days. Not sure if he will be at this office today or not, he wasn't there yesterday.

So far the pain is alot less and the numbness is gone. I am still extremely tired, and very weak. The steroids do not give me energy like most people, they wipe me out. They cause my heart to race, and when I lay down it sounds so loud and feels like it'll jump out of my chest. They also make me weepy and bitchy. i remembered the mood thing before, so I made a conscious note to myself that if someone pisses me off I should give them a pass since I'll probably be overreacting. So I am trying to bite me tongue. Overall so far so good. Except for the incompetent person at the Social Security office that I hung up on, it's been fine ;)

So there it is. Hopefully on the mend. Maybe the steroids will make my mind stronger...like Arnold! The Dr's are doing "something" so I'll take it. Be well, stay positive and love life! I'm doing my best!

PS I signed up for the MS Walk in Troy, MI on Sunday May 2, 2010. I actually enrolled in the middle of all this drama. I figure I will walk in any capacity I am capable of that day. I'm asking people to support me financially or walk with me that day. I named my team "The Brain Farts". Always keeping my sense of humor! If you are interested in joining my team add this link in your browser & check me out:

http://main.nationalmssociety.org/site/TRC/Walk/MIGWalkEvents?pg=peditor&fr_id=13951&px=7658887

Thanks again for all your love & support! -Tammy