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Monday, November 14, 2011

Amnesia Wishes

Hello Everyone, Recently my husband & I had been having trouble communicating. During the remodeling of our home, I was pushing myself too hard. Shocking I know. I would, however, ask for help with some things from my husband or my children. This wasn't always met with the greatest enthusiasm. It was to the point where I didn't even want to ask because it was easier to just do it myself rather than deal with the sighs or complaints. When I didn't ask, I'd hear, "Why didn't you ask for help". When I did ask, I'd hear, " Why can't you do it?" or " Really? Right now?" or the resentment would be evident. Eventually, little fights would start or passive aggressive behavior.

I would sit down with my kids, but they are kids. They don't walk all over me normally, but with all I was doing, my normal disciple tactics went out the window. I would remind the kids that one day I would be finished & I will remember this. ;) My husband & I had 4 separate conversations about how I felt overwhelmed and abandoned by him during the Summer. I knew he was overwhelmed & creating even more stressors in his mind. I was losing sleep and working on this house round the clock. Each time I spoke with him he told me I was right & he would try more. It was fine for a while, but the pattern would repeat.

Recently, it began again & we had a bigger fight. When we finally sat down to talk, we had a break-thru. I came to this Epiphany. My family is fine with me doing everything as long as they don't have to see me and my body suffer because of it. When they see me and what MS does to me, they feel badly, especially when they could have helped to prevent it.

To be fair, I helped bring my family to this point. I am stubborn & I am sure I can do most things better. I have created my own little monsters. I told them as much as I need their help physically, I also need their patience. I need to learn to pace myself on things I want to do myself and to delegate other tasks to them. I need to teach myself to let go & they need to help me do it.

It is often easy to only look at one side of a story. Especially when that side is your own. Sometimes we need to step back and see the whole picture and how we all fit into it. It was very easy for me to see how "no one was helping me", but much more difficult to see how I helped them all to do it so easily. I need to take responsibility for my role too.

I have started to ask for more help, to delegate and slow down. I also, am calling out my family when they try to stay in old patterns. For example, after straightening up the house, my husband brought in the mail and put it right where I just threw away a bunch of flyers and junk. I said "Why would you do that?" He said, "What? I don't know what you want me to do with the bills." (I pay all the bills.) I said, "C'mon! There are not even any bills in here. This is what I am talking about. This is how you put more on me." My family can generalize so that I have more to do and they can explain away their guilt.

We are making more progress, but it is a process that requires baby steps on all of our parts. Especially on my part. I need to speak up more and stand up for myself. They need to speak up when I am becoming the martyr and not being fair to them. In the end, taking about it and letting them know how I felt and hearing how they felt was the best solution. Sometimes we need to gain some perspective in order to make differences and see how to improve our relationships. Even though my family & I wish for MS Amnesia, sadly that is wishful thinking right now. However, harmony within my household isn't.

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