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Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Brain Release & Heartache

I have never been one to back down from a fight. I am brutally honest at times and could even be called blunt. On the other hand, I also know the value of respect and when to let something go for the greater good. Knowing when to walk away is priceless. Assessing the situation is important. If there is someone in your life that you have a difficult time dealing with, dislike or even hate, interacting with them can prove difficult. If there are children involved then that brings it to another level. For example, imagine having to see an ex-inlaw whom is the mother or father of your niece or nephew. This is a person you have little respect for and would prefer to never see again. In this case you have to remember the children. This is their parent. They are too young to understand adult problems or reasons of animosity. All they will know is "Uncle Jack" is being mean to my Daddy or "Aunt Diane" is talking about my Mommy behind her back. In this instance, I tell myself to treat these jerks as if their kids are watching me. I do it out of respect for the children, not the jerks. When the kids are no where to be found all bets are off.

When trying to repair a relationship that is important to you, I believe in being direct and trying to salvage it. If you are met with resistance or completely shot down then you can walk away knowing you tried to be the bigger person. In most cases, I have found after talking both parties leave the conversation feeling heard and relieved. I believe that my marriage has benefited greatly from this because we talk about everything. We are open and honest with one another and that makes us feel content with our friendship and our marriage. Sometimes I have to push. If you are dealing with a stubborn or proud person you may have to break down the wall they create. My husband can be this way. I know when I push it can make him mad, but I refuse to let something come between us over pride. There are times you need to walk away, but agree to talk about it later with cooler heads. This has caused us to be closer and deepen our trust and love. Dealing with people in this manner has helped me solve many problems and maintain relationships that were important to me.

There are some relationships that cannot be saved. Ones that are toxic and hurtful. Relationships that lead you to say, "Enough is enough" and you just need to let go. This is not always an easy task. Some people you can walk away from easily and not have to interact with them ever again. Others are involved in your life on a regular basis and it can be more challenging. People in your family or at your workplace or some other mainstay, can prove difficult to avoid without hurting yourself or others. However, when you realize that the stress and the drama that someone causes you is effecting your health, your sanity and your spirit, then something has to change. I am at this crossroads.

I am the peacemaker. I am the confidant. I am the strong one that helps my loved ones cope. I am the friend that is always there to lean on. I am the one that will swallow my pride and be the bigger person for the greater good of everyone involved. I take the hits that others can't handle. These are the roles I have taken on in my life with pride, compassion love and respect. I happily will take on the fight to protect the ones I love & care about in this world. I will bite my tongue so my loved one won't have to know how I was hurt or who hurt me. I will smile and endure the stress and abuse to protect my loved one from having to choose sides. If they are in the dark, then they can pretend it isn't happening. I will make every attempt at peace even when I don't care to repair the relationship. I have done this out of respect & love for years. I have only brought minimal attention to the problem and most of it I have kept to myself and never revealed. I want to protect my loved one, but I am not strong enough anymore.

I have endured much at the hands of someone I am supposed to care about and who is supposed to care about me. I have allowed them to disrespect me privately & publicly. I have been lied about and attacked. I have been ignored and hurt. I have been baited to start a fight & I have walked away. I go to my phone and an angry text arrives. I open my email & I am attacked. I call my loved one and hear I am the instigator. All the while wondering, "What happened?" "Why?" & "I did nothing to deserve this."

I have taken on the stress for too long. I have allowed my health to not only be effected, but to be driven to flare ups of my MS that are incapacitating. I have cried for hours while I have debated in my head. I have been unable to care for my kids because I have to stay in bed. All because I allowed hate, lies and desperation to come into my heart. I allowed this because I thought ending that relationship would spiral and cause me to lose the one I had protected for so long. I ache at the thought of losing them. I wish I had the strength to swallow my pride one more time, but I don't. I have to walk away.

I have to walk away for my health, my children, my sanity. I will be polite. I will be respectful in front of my children & the loved one I care about, but my role in this toxic abuse is done. I have to put myself first. I have to make my children a priority even when others cannot. I need to value my own sanity and my own heart and forget the greater good in this lost cause.

I am sorry for the hurt it may cause others. I am sorry for the relationships that may become causalities with this choice. I pray they can survive. That is what breaks my heart the most. For so many years, I fought for peace and harmony because of them. Now that I realize they aren't willing to do the same for me, I have to let go and allow my brain to release the stress and the heartache. I know my own heart, my mind and my body and unfortunately my loved ones forgot my character and fell prey to the lies. If they ever really knew me at all. I love them all & my heart breaks as I have to say it is over and walk away.


  1. There comes a time when everyone has to let go of wanting peace at any cost, because we all need to be true to yourself. The chips will fall as they will, so tell the truth remember the only power any one has over you is the power you gave, so I say take your power back. You've done all you can do, now it's time to take control of you.
    I wish you the best of luck, I understand how fear can take control. For someone the walk over you, you must first lay down that's what my Mom told me. If you don't want to post this I'll understand I wrote it to you and we can keep it that way. No worries Okay

  2. Here, Here!

    Having the same type of realizations this year after realizing I can't deal with others crap while trying to support my injured husband and raising my kids.

    Stay strong girl!


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