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Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Brain or Shine!!

Hello Friends & Family!!!
I am doing well!!! Yes, you read correctly. I am doing well!!! I have been feeling better than I have in months for about a week now. Soooo excited! I have accomplished so much this week. I cleaned out closets, I spring cleaned my living room, dining room, kitchen & 1/2 bath. I took Paul to the park...BY MYSELF!!! I took Kristina & Paul to the MALL & DINNER...BY MY--SELF!!!! I put away Winter clothes & got out Spring/Summer wear...I could go on, but why bore you?

These normal things, these everyday accomplishments for others are big milestones for me. Accomplishing general chores is not easy for me. Sometimes walking up the stairs can exhaust me. So needless to say, cleaning hasn't been the biggest priority. When I actually did get some energy for it, I typically only got to dust the living room. Basically cuz I couldn't stand staring at it anymore. I am definitely the type of person who has trouble letting go of control of things. So not being able to decide if my house would be clean or not was frustrating.

Being a mom, having a clean house all the time went out the window years ago. But this was worse. It went much, much longer. I knew people understood & most weren't judging me, but it was embarrassing to me. A simple task seemed like climbing a mountain. Impossible. I normally stick with the basics for my family. I make sure their clothes are clean, their bodies are washed, their beds are made and they have a good breakfast, lunch & dinner. If I could offer these basics, at least I would have given them healthy & clean lives. I help Kristina with her homework & read stories to them or watch a movie and lots of hugs!!!

Playing just isn't always an option for me. I tire out so easily and forget about it if the sun is hot. I am not looking forward to this Summer. Last Fall, the townhouse co-op, where I live, had to make the decision to cut down our beautiful, majestic, shady tree. I cried, no, I sobbed. Not only did this tree keep our home cool and a/c bill down, but it allowed me to be outside with my children if it wasn't muggy. I could sit under the tree and watch them ride bikes or run & play with their friends. Be there when they said, "Mommy, watch this!" But now... No tree. No shade. No way to sit outside. I cried for my tree, but I cried for my freedom too. I don't want to be a prisoner in my own home. That tree gave me an option. An option to be with my children. To try and be...normal.

I talked with Dave & we are going to look into buying one of those canopies that people put over their patio furniture. We don't have a patio poured so we need something that maintenance can work around when cutting the lawn. They said this would work because they can weed-whack around the poles/legs. So that will be the next purchase after the Spring. Hopefully that will give me some freedom.

When I took Paul to the park, I was so happy! When I got there and realized the trees didn't have all their leaves for shade, I panicked a bit. But I found a shady bench after I played with Paul. Then I could watch as he happily showed off for me. We walked down to the beach by the lake and Paul put his toes in the sand. I lasted 40 minutes. I was happy. Normally 5-10 mins and my legs are wobbly. As we started to walk back the loooooonngg way to the car, Paul looked up at me with his tiny hand in mine, and said. "Mommy? This is taking a long time." I said, "Yes, Paul. For me too. But we'll get there." We did. Home with Slurpees and big smiles. Oh, and a nap!!

I will take this reprieve from MS as long as it lasts. 7 days and counting... Brain or Shine, I will overcome MS. I will do what I can to live normally. And when I can't, I will take care of me. But Brain or Shine...I am still moving forward!

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