The Three Ring Circus(Or Help, Me I Wanna Get Off This Ride)

Here I am again
Jumping through their hoops.
It wasn't fun the first time,
Shocking loop-de-loops.

Their little acrobat.
Floating through the sky.
Doing this familiar dance.
My brave face helps me lie.

I am up. I am down.
I am twisted all around.
I cannot keep going up,
When they keep pulling down.

"Prove yourself again"
"Our info proves you wrong."
I have all the proof I need.
My data is a mile long!

You pause as I speak.
I've thrown you off your game.
It's not enough, I fear,
To forget why you came.

I tripped you up, for a moment.
You stumble on your pride.
It doesn't last long enough,
You have clout on your side.

"Repeat this test."
"Now let's do another."
"Shock her nerves".
"Let's make her struggle."

"Pee in a cup."
"Give us blood."
"We'll beat you down,
Drag you through the mud."

"Dance like this."
"Skip like that."
"Don't talk back
Or you'll regret it."

"Do you want your meds?"
"Do you want your scripts?"
"Then do what we say."
"Perform all of our tricks."

"We have you now."
"Right where we want you."
"You should be confused."
"This isn't even about you."

"Don't you slip."
"Not even a little bit."
"You'll go back to the start."
"Do you remember that part?"

"Back into limbo."
"Where you felt so defeated."
"When you were so alone."
"Broken & beaten."

I thought I was passed this.
That I could move on.
But someone has decided
To try to prove me wrong.

I'm not afraid of her.
But I must play their game.
As much as I hate it.
It all ends the same.

If I rock the boat,
I'll give them more power.
I can't have that,
So, for now I'll cower.

Please, God, send me someone
To help me rise above.
Pull me up from the ground.
Fill my heart back with love.

Make me strong and brave
Help me pass through their trials
I need to be myself again
I need to find my smile.

Feeling powerless equals helpless
And that is far from who I am.
Let this Three Ring Circus finish
So I can live my life again.

Tammy Malkowski 5/31/12

Stupid Summer Heat

Not my most clever title, that's for sure. Not happy with this already hot & humid weather in May, but I am not surprised. I told everyone I could that there would be a price to pay for this mile/non-existent Winter. I know the heat will be bad this year, so I will be online much more since I'll be a virtual prisoner in my own home. Hey. I just got that. "Virtual prisoner" trapped "online". Get it. Look if I have to explain these things to you then it'll be a long Summer. ;)

The bugs will be bad too. No ice and snow to kill off half of them means bug bites galore. And the fish flies. Oh, my Michiganders on the Eastside. The fishflies will rival the Summer of 1989, I am quite sure. This I do not look forward to either. As I write this I have a pack of ice on my lap. Yep. You read right. Is it helping? Not really, but I'm making the effort.

I have to relax and focus on my book writing and re-direct my "Year of Tammy" back to, well, Tammy. I guess this will force that issue as well. In a few days, I will make my bi-annual trip up to Chesaning, Michigan to Cropping Daze Retreat to scrapbook and be pampered with gourmet treats and time with my mom. This will push my Summer into the right direction. Thankfully it has one of the essentials I now require with MS. AIR-CONDITIONING!!! *sigh* I hate the air conditioning. I prefer open windows and a breeze, but MS is in charge of this one. Stupid Summer Heat.