MS Story (A Poem)

MS Story (A Poem)

One Night, before bed
There was double-vision in my eye.
It was a little blurry,
But just enough to ask, why?

When I woke the next day,
The blurriness was gone.
I felt my concerns
Were basically wrong.

Then a few weeks later,
I lost my grip.
I dropped my glass
And started to trip.

I thought, “How clumsy of me,
To drop that glass,
To lose my balance
And land on my ass.”

But I shrugged it off
As if I had a bad day.
Pushed it from my mind
And went on my way.

Then one morning,
My legs felt weak.
My hands had tingles
And I stuttered to speak.

That’s when all the weeks
Of excuses came rushing back.
Each moment crystal clear,
As if I had kept track.


Something was wrong.
I knew it in my heart.
That this meant something,
It all played a part.

I was weak and I stumbled,
Exhausted and confused.
My body was trying to tell me,
Inside it was being abused.

Alarm, fear & panic,
Lead to the hospital’s ER.
Which lead to a neuro,
Where the tests would start.

Words & possibilities
All thrown about,
Like Lyme disease & Lupus
So many seeds of doubt.

In the end came the news,
Multiple Sclerosis is the name.
From now on my life
Will never be the same.

I buried myself in books
And internet links.
Different vitamins & shots,
New pills & veins with kinks.

I was overwhelmed with info,
Not sure where to turn.
Friends & family staying close,
But there was so much to learn.

Inside my head was swimming.
What does this all mean?
How much will my life change?
Is it as bad as it seems?

I made tough decisions
And chose my own way.
Some friends disagreed
And wanted to have their say.

Some friends stopped calling,
They weren’t on my side.
MS was too scary for them.
It was easier to hide.

But I cannot hide,
MS is always there.
I have to face it,
No matter how scared.

Each day I wake up,
MS is still there.
Physically & mentally,
Life seems so unfair.

I cried & I mourned
For my life & past dreams.
I found my future changing
So much I wanted to scream.

Then one day I woke up,
And decided I needed to change.
To find a better attitude
In my new body so strange.

I found a way to face it.
To live my life with less regret,
To get a better perspective,
My life is not over yet.

I dreamed of a new future.
Found a way for my heart to mend.
Started living my life on my terms,
Because this is not the end.

~Tammy Malkowski 3/12/2011

You Be My Friend & I'll Be Yours (A Poem)

Be My Friend & I’ll Be Yours (A Poem)

MS is inside my body
And a little of my heart,
But it isn’t all of me,
It is a small part.

There are definitely days
It seems so huge
That it can consume me
And make me it’s stooge.

I will rise above all it does
And show you my heart
That I am still the same
And the most important part.

Of course I need
Friends & Family to understand
To stand beside me
And to hold my hand.

Just don’t forget the strengths
I have that you knew before
Don’t label me only with MS
And shove the rest of me out the door.

I can still laugh and smile
And care about you
I am still your friend
And love to share what you do.

I still love to shop and hang out
As well as gossip & confide
I still love to giggle & laugh
And stand by your side.

I have my sense of humor,
My smarts and my doubts
I have my intellect
And the crazy advice I spout.

Remember I have MS
So I know you understand
But forget when I want to be me
And enjoy all our plans.

MS is a struggle each day,
But that’s just one thing.
I struggle to never lose
Myself & why I wear his ring.

We choose our spouse, our friends,
And partners for life;
Our Family is who God sent
To support us in times of strife.

Never knowing who’ll stay or go
When fear or judgment gets in the way.
Sometimes friends become family
And true blood fades away.

For the ones who stay
A part of our lives.
You choose us, but we choose too
And help relationships survive.

Keep me close in your heart
And close by your side
We are joined in trust
So together let’s enjoy the ride.

~Tammy Malkowski (3/5/2011)

Dear MS... (A Poem)

Dear MS,

Today, Ms stay hidden
I am with someone I love
Today, I want to forget you
And give you to the Lord above.

I need to take a break
Some time to forget
Tomorrow you’ll come back
And remind of your threat

To steal some moments
To steal some time
But today you’re on vacation
Today my body is mine.

I will smile, I will laugh
I will be who I am inside.
I will cherish each moment
So MS, go to Hell & hide!
~Tammy Malkowski (3/5/2011)

Your Own Show (a poem)

Your Own Show

Be more than your MS
Take charge of your life
This is no easy task
But you can rise above this strife.

Pick your battles, make your mark
But don’t be a slave to plans.
Choose to live, laugh & love
Show MS where you stand.

Show your smile, your grace
Your strength, your wit.
Your smarts, your charms
Your fighting spirit.

Stand straight, stand tall
Make your insides glow.
Be the one to prove you are,
The one who controls your show.

You know in your heart
That your body can feel strange
But it is up to us all
To show inside we didn’t change!

~Tammy Malkowski 3/5/2011

How MS Feels (A Poem)

How MS Feels (A Poem)

My hands shake as my words slur,
But it’s not what you think.
I trip and I sway,
Though I haven’t had a drink.

I could fall at any moment.
And this never leaves my mind
But I’m trying hard to manage
As I’m on this MS ride.

My legs look normal
But feel like rubber.
My arms look strong enough,
But melt like butter.

I have slept for hours,
But my eyes still droop.
I want to walk straight,
But my head loop-de-loops.

You think I’m paying attention,
But my mind has wandered away.
I want to speak clearly,
But I’m stuttering today.

I try to read your email,
But I am seeing double.
I want to come with you,
But walking gives me trouble.

I may need your patience
And your compassion too.
But never your pity
For all I have to do.

I need you to be kind.
And try to understand.
I’m living a new life
Doing the best that I can.

I am making an effort
To be someone who
Is making a difference
In my own life too.

Give me a chance
Be on my side
I am still me
Even with all the drama inside.

My body has changed
But my heart is the same.
I still have a beautiful life
Even when playing the MS game.

The thing I need the most
As you try to understand
Is the comfort and confidence
That I still have my friend.

by Tammy Malkowski (2/25/2011)

Over My Shoulder (A Poem)

Over My Shoulder (A Poem)

As I looked over my shoulder
To all I thought I’d lost.
I cried as I grieved
For what my MS had cost.

I missed my old body
And what I used to do.
How I made plans freely,
And met my friends at noon.

When I didn’t worry how I’d feel
As I began each day.
When I didn’t continually struggle
To find the words to say.

I kept looking over that shoulder,
Crying for what I missed.
I would go through my mind
Making a mental list.

Then a funny thing happened
I realized something true.
While I was looking over my shoulder
I almost missed something new.

I had learned to count my blessings
To really budget my time.
I had learned to value what’s important
And appreciate what’s mine.

I found out who my friends were,
I knew who’d be there through my pain.
I learned to be spontaneous,
And saw what I had gained.

I made new friendships
I put my health first.
I spent more time with my children
And hugged them til they burst.

I valued the time with my friends
And I learned when to say “no”.
For my time was much more valuable
I could choose when to stay or go.

I loved with all my heart
And gave a part of me away;
But only to the ones deserving
Of the best I had to give each day.

The saddest part of this story
Is what I stood to lose.
I forgot what I had in front of me
That I had the right to choose.

While I was looking over my shoulder
To all I thought I’d lost.
I almost missed what I still had
And what my regret would cost.

I stopped looking over my shoulder
I appreciate what’s new.
I have a new life now
And MS is included too.

But now I live each day
Finding my smile in my heart
I laugh, I love, I live my life
Cuz MS is just one part.

~Tammy Malkowski (1/21/2011)

A Mom with MS ( A Poem)

A Mom with MS (A Poem)
A Mom with MS,
This is me, that is true.
But I will prove I am more.
In all that I do.

I refuse to be negative,
to dwell on the past.
The journey of MS
is one that will last

I am more than MS,
I am more than a label.
I can get my kids to school
And get dinner on the table.

The kids may see me nap,
More than their friend’s moms do.
But they will know my strength
And the effort I put forth in all I do.

I want them to be proud & learn from me;
That even when you face a challenge
Your life can be yours.
We are all still free.

It’s how you handle the storm
That makes you who you are.
By weathering the storm of MS,
My attitude will take me far.

I stand here stronger than MS
I won’t let you break me.
Because I am who I am
The best of me is all you’ll see!

~Tammy Malkowski (January 12, 2011)

Taking Charge ( A Poem)

Taking Charge (A Poem)
Today, MS, no matter how hard you try
I will stand up to you and wish you goodbye.
I know in my heart you are a part of me,
But you won’t be the only part others see.

I am stronger than you;
Even when you knock me down.
I will triumph over you;
Even as I hit the ground.

I can adapt to my new life,
Though my old body may be gone.
I can move forward
With a new outlook, I’ll move on.

Find a new perspective,
A new approach, a new view.
Find a silver lining,
And control what I do.

I will rest when I need to
And I will take care & time;
To make sure I am healthy
And not lose my mind.

I’ll live my life
And experience each day.
To find a smile, to be grateful
Laugh, Love and pray!

For I am my own strength;
My own advocate it’s true.
No one can steal my joy,
For it is inside all that I do.

Smile thru my tears,
Laugh at the pain.
Find new friendships
I never thought I could gain.

Believe in your heart
You are strong enough too.
Because YOU are in charge;
It’s your life to renew!

~Tammy Malkowski ( January 12, 2011)

Dreams Can Change ( A Poem)

Dreams Can Change ( A Poem)

As I child I had dreams of being a mother & a wife.
God blessed me with both, such a happy life!
After the birth of my son, the symptoms began.
My life as I knew it would not follow my plan.

It threw me off track & forced me to change.
Being a mom had new meaning that was different & strange.
My body was in charge now; my plans were shown the door.
My body could not do the things it had done before.

I had to change my approach & find a new way of life.
I could still be a good mom and a loving wife.
Strength would be my focus, being positive my goal.
I could not allow my body to change “me” as a whole.

At my lowest I’d cry as my pain turned to doubt.
To grieve the loss of a life planned out.
I’m human and felt the regret & the loss.
Of a body that became an obstacle to cross.

To stay in this frame of mind was just not me.
If I was to live up to the mom I knew I could be.
Children want love & attention, MS can’t take that away.
I needed to focus on my love and hope to brighten their days.

I would show them I’m brave while facing my fears;
Embrace my new life while smiling through my tears.
MS is an obstacle, a struggle; that’s true.
But my children wanted guidance to tell them what to do.



We could play board games, read stories or draw pictures to start.
I helped with homework, or cuddled & counted stars after dark.
On good days, I tried dancing to our favorite songs.
Looked as they screamed, “Watch me!” at the park in the sun.

These days I needed a nap, but I relished the moments of good.
For the bad ones always return and I don’t dwell on “I wish I could…”
“Budget your time”, “Live in the moment”, “Grasp life by the horns”.
All clichés, but all too true when bad health leaves us torn.

I am still myself, my heart & spirit are true.
I may need to slow down, but I’ll never give up what I do.
My family is what I need to face each day with a smile.
MS will never change that. Giving up is not my style!

~Tammy Malkowski, 11-11-10

Darkness & Light (A Poem)

Darkness & Light (A Poem)

Today, I woke and wondered what I would find.
Would MS affect my body or just my mind?
Surprise implies something good or fun,
But MS truly doesn’t offer either one.

Although a surprise is not knowing what to expect.
I still approach my morning with a smile; not regret.
I could be sad or angry over what my health has brought.
I believe that God has given me a path and I cling to that thought.

I rise before the sun & I try to find my smile;
Even when each step I make feels like a mile.
MS brings me a challenge that I try very hard to meet.
I struggle when MS is at it’s worst and start to think I’m beat.

There are days I feel I can’t go on.
That MS is too much to bear;
I wonder how I will find my positive spirit
Or even the strength to even care.

Dwelling on the struggles & challenges MS can bring.
May be some peoples approach, but for me, it’s not my thing.
Each day brings my body a new surprise.
I never know what will come as the sun does rise.

In my mind, I decided, how life was supposed to go.
Health, conflict and relationships effect how we grow.
I may be unable to do many of the physical things,
But no one has a guarantee of what their life will bring.

There are many ways to deal with stress or obstacles thrown our way.
I choose to find the silver lining to help me face my day.
No one can tell me how to live, my life is my own, that’s true.
Having a positive attitude gives me control and focus over what to do.

So I may visit the dark places in my mind,
To cleanse my spirit and leave the negative behind.
But I cannot stay here, this place of remorse.
Dwelling on pain throws my heart off course.

I’ll take care of my heart, the good & the bad.
Happiness is just as important as being sad.
Face my anger, face my doubts,
Face my fears and scream and shout.

When I’m finished, I’ll return to the place
Where I count my blessings & put a smile on my face.
Here is where I’ll find my heart,
My happiness, my place to start.

Begin your day with your own surprise.
Find your smile as the sun begins to rise.
You’re in charge of how you feel.
Be bold, be loved, be strong & be real!
~Tammy Malkowski, 11-11-10

Understand (A Poem by Tammy Malkowski)

If you don’t understand MS,
Could you just trust me?
If you don’t “get it”,
Can you just love me?

If you can’t see what I’m going through,
Can you just believe me?
If you can’t understand my pain,
Can you just comfort me?

If you can’t find a way to fix it,
Can you find an ear to lend?
If you don’t know why this happened,
Can you help my spirit mend?

I love you for trying,
Don’t ever forget.
The effort you’ve put forth,
Please don’t regret.

I have this disease
And I have confusion.
Just don’t ever think
MS is some illusion.

Can you love me anyway?
Can you be my friend?
You may never understand it,
But MS is a part of me in the end.

~By Tammy Malkowski, 7/26/10

"Seeing is NOT Believing" Poem

Don’t believe because I smile
That the numbness went away.
Don’t believe because I laugh
That I’m not in pain today.

Don’t believe because my hair is done
That anything has changed.
Don’t believe my body won’t react
To the sun, the snow, the rain.

Don’t believe because I walk
That I’m not prepared to fall.
Don’t believe that “looking good”
Changes my health at all.

Don’t believe because I hug
That it doesn’t make me wince.
Don’t believe because I “look good”
That MS does not exist.

Don’t believe I will give up
The person I am inside.
Don’t believe that MS is gone
Even when it hides.

By Tammy Malkowski
1/30/2010

"I'm Still Me" Poem

MS hides, inside of me,
Invisible to the naked eye.
I can feel the MonSter
Trying to make me cry.

It’s a part of me, it’s true.
That, I cannot forget.
It rears it’s ugly head
And some days are filled with regret.

There are some bad days
You’ll hear me complain.
But if it consumes me,
Then what will I gain?

I am still “Me”,
The person you’ve known.
Even though inside
The disease has grown.

I won’t allow it
To take over me.
To steal my laughter,
My smile or faith in “HE”.

I choose to laugh
About my life.
To handle it with grace
Dignity and less strife.

So laugh with me, smile with me
But please remember this:
There is rarely a moment
That MS does not exist.

But through it all, the highs & lows,
I have my family & friends.
Remember I’m still “Me”.
I will not let MS be my end!
By Tammy Malkowski 1/30/2010